Welcome to real life. At least, real life as the television networks see it.

"Reality TV" is flawed in many ways, but most specifically in its name. The main problem with "Reality TV" is not that it is immoral, but that, while it is supposed to portray reality, no "Reality" show has succeeded in doing this yet. What they have done is created an extension of fiction where you don't have to pay writers.

Let's start with the dating shows. Nevermind the five people on the date or four friends and cameraman following you; these shows aren't real because a majority of these "gems" wouldn't be able to afford dinner at a hot dog stand, let alone at some of the restaurants MTV foots the bill for.

Then there are the redecoration shows. These are just sad, because the people on Trading Spaces and Crib Crashers are real and do live in reality. However, the designers who help them do not. These people live in some realm between fantasy and reality where it is acceptable to have a painted fireplace and five thousand plastic flowers glued to your bathroom walls (well, except for Frank on Trading Spaces-you da man, dawg!). The results are, needless to say, disastrous and obviously not real.

Next comes the show that made the genre mainstream--Survivor. Shows like Survivor and The Amazing Race are perhaps the most successful of all of "Reality TV." Ah, the sex appeal of seeing unshaven and dirty women and fat naked gay men (for my sexuality see The Prowler, Volume 15, Issue 3, page B4).

A new phenomena in "Reality TV" is that of "Celebrity" Shows (note the quotations): Yes, the shows that tout such big-name stars as Jennifer Lopez's tenth husband and that girl from two episodes of The Loveboat. These B-List…er...Q-List celebrities have to take time out of their busy Hollywood Squares schedule to compete in such difficult tasks as eating carbohydrates and drinking water that is soo not Evian. Honestly, though, who would be upset if Melissa Rivers never did get out of there?

Are you hot? Are you the next American Idol? Are you _____? Apparently, Lorenzo Lamas and some British guy who has never sung a note are willing to tell you. These shows brag about being honest and not sugarcoating things so we can have more talented people in America like supermodels and Justin Timberlake (note sarcasm).

And could we possibly forget the marriage shows? Is it even necessary to state where these shows fail to portray reality? Does it even need to be pointed out that Evan Marriott (Joe Millionaire) would find his best mate in a gorilla pen? And who even came up with The Bachelorette? Don't people realize that men don't have a "biological clock," that they aren't typically the ones so eager to get married that they would, say, prostitute themselves on national television? Do I even need to say that this paragraph was made entirely of questions? The answer to the above queries is no.

Then, of course, there's the granddaddy of them all-The Real World. This show, along with Big Brother and Road Rules, is perhaps the worst offender of all. The only time in reality that a bunch of creatures would be swept up and put in a habitat where they either procreate or claw each others' eyes out is in a hamster cage. Besides, in the real world, people pay rent.

With all this, networks do not have the creativity to come up with a new "Reality" sub-genre, so they like to Mix & Match: Celebrity Mole and Star Dates are examples of shows in this fashion. And coming next fall to FOX: Are you on a Date with a Celebrity Millionaire Mole Redecorating a Woman with Extremely Low Self Esteem's House in the Real World?

Don't get me wrong, I love "Reality TV" and watch it regularly. The shows that come the closest to real life are those namby-pamby ones on TLC like the agonizingly boring A Wedding Story and A Dating Story and the agonizingly disgusting Baby Story. For entertainment value, the alternatives on NBC, FOX, ABC, and CBS are great. But these shows reflect badly on our society not just because of their immorality, but because they show that we aren't creative enough to make shows that provoke thought or bring genuine laughter and happiness. Even when we try to create a cheaper, easier genre with "Reality TV," we don't even succeed in portraying what the name of the genre says.

However, allow me to conclude by saying that Zora rocks. Hardcore.